Guilt or why it’s never enough

So firstly apologies, I go months without posting and then you get two in the space of days. I think it’s logical, due to the fact that the swim is getting closer so I spend more time worrying and over thinking which in turn leads to this, but I digress and want to talk about guilt

I am sitting here on a Thursday evening feeling guilt as I just did not have it in me to swim today.

So what do I blame, the guilt of Irish Catholicism or the inability to carry on regardless today and my weakness to persevere.

For perspective I was raised Irish Catholic in Ireland in the 80s/90s, so I got that cross period when we still couldn’t question the church but all the scandals Came along and created a substantial number of atheists with a high moral code and lots of guilt among my age group.

So I like many, was raised with good old fashioned catholic guilt which considering we are born guilty and taught from the age of 7 to confess our sins to a man in a box with a conduit to god is not a surprise.

So anytime I flail out I feel guilty, I try to put it in perspective as since March 1st I have swam 80 times, totaling 329,622 metres or 204.8 miles, I took a week off during this period for family vacation, a week off to go to travel for work and I lose another week next week for work.

I then try to rationalize, I compare to other years, I try to reassure with the concept I can swim in a day what I can swim in a week and last week was my heavy week which well exceeded this years swim.

I tell myself it’s not the same as prior years, I have a bigger base to start with, I have a different mentality knowing I can swim over 12 hours, it’s all going to be fine.

But then I also think maybe I should of done a 1km, maybe that will be the difference between success and failure that the 1% extra I could of swam is the difference between success and failure.

I also flip this and realize that I have been tired all week, I have been grumpy and edgy (not uncommon when I train more) and others suffer because of that and that the one extra day off will make everyone’s life and my tiredness better.

Does this reassure me- no

Is this doubt and behavior different to any other year- no

With any swim, will I ever reconcile my training being sufficient- probably not

Will I ever not feel guilty- probably not

Yours

A somewhat adequate swimmer

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