I realize I am writing a lot this week, there is a lot in my head. I also have realized a few things.
There has been a lot going on in my life in recent weeks, from family illness and literal madness and the guilt associated at times with being thousands of miles away and also the swim.
Two weeks ago I thought I had it sorted, I put together what I felt was a robust safety plan but at the back of my mind I still worried that my plans were putting the two other tandem swimmers at risk. I couldn’t reconcile this fact and it made me more risk averse. While reality is I can’t be completely risk averse in this swim or organizing it.
It is one thing to put myself at risk but making the choice to put the other swimmers at risk was tough. I worried a lot about it, there were times when thinking about that and other things that I literally found my chest feeling like it was being squeezed. It has not made for an enjoyable few weeks.
No matter how robust I make/made the safety plan it would never eliminate all risk and if something happened to other swimmers it was on me. It made me risk averse, it made me more accepting of the boat captains decision on Sunday. I still stick by their decision but it also took it out of my hands.
It also has made me realize that when I attempt again it is on a solo run. I have spoken to the other swimmers on the tandem plan and explained as best I could my thoughts and were I am coming from, they both said they understand but I feel guilty about it though less guilty than I would if something happened to either of them.
I got in the lake today for the first time since I cancelled, she was full of debris, I think we both were.
A Somewhat adequate swimmer